How To Increase Your Food Stamps – 4 Irresponsible Ways To Leech More


February 25, 2013 by Liberty

(This article is a mostly a joke. Don’t go taking it seriously on me…)*Image

Even YOU can increase food stamps payments every month with a few simple and irresponsible techniques. This might sound unbelievable. It can be hard to believe it’s legal but it is possible to increase food stamps without breaking the rules, and without having another kid. (Have you tried that one yet? We won’t be going over the details of that technique until a later post.) These techniques will have to sucking the government teat dry for everything that it’s worth!

Step 1: Minimize your income.

Let’s face it. No one likes to go to work anyway. Work sucks. Having a boss, putting up with co-workers, having to give time to the corporate blowholes, it’s all unpleasant. So why not work less. Working is not needed. If you choose to work (I mean, it can be fun for getting out of the house,) then you need to make sure that you don’t make a lot of money. Every state limit is different but the general rule is, the less money that you make, the better off you’re going to be.

Making very little money is good though. With very little money comes very little responsibility and very few hours.

If you don’t get housing subsidies then look to make the rent and little to nothing more. It may look good to make a little extra money from your job but it’s just a trap the government uses. Every dollar that you make takes away a dollar that you could be getting from government subsidies without work. When you need to pay for a place to live (other than your own home) you can start to ween into a position that the government doesn’t like (paying yourself) into a position they prefer (paying for less of it.)

Step 2: Don’t Save Money

Do not save your money. To increase food stamps you need to ensure that you’re not saving too much money. State laws vary but $2000 is around the average. You do not want to have more than the maximum. In fact, you want to be as reasonably far from the maximum as possible so you don’t actually go over it.

If you have a dollar more than the minimum in the bank then you’re breaking the law. It’s best to just go spend the extra money on lottery tickets or down at the track. That way, if you win, you can live a few years without having to worry about following the governments rules. If you lose then you can accept the money you wouldn’t have legally been able to get otherwise.

It can be scary to eliminate or lower a savings account but it is one great option for increasing your government income.

Step 3: Buy A House (Even if you don’t think you can afford it)

I know it might sound ridiculous to buy a home when your financial position appears rather sticky but you can often get a government backed loan to help you with it. In fact, there is probably never a better time to buy a home then when you think you can’t afford it.

Every dollar that you put into your home doesn’t get counted as an asset for most welfare programs. Theoretically, in many states, you can live in a million dollar mansion and still collect food stamps. While you shouldn’t expect to get a mansion, it’s very possible that you can purchase a trailer or similar plot to hang your hat. Whenever you’re tempted to put money into savings just put it into your home instead so it’s not eating away at your potential income.

The advantages to buying a home are numerous.

Step 4: Do Not Try To Move Up

Government does not like people that try to get ahead. The government does not want you to make a reasonable decision like taking out a student loan. Oftentimes, these don’t even get considered on applications for food stamps. That means you need to pay them but the income to pay them will still count against you.

If you do end up “moving up in the world” the government will just stop helping. That means full time boring work. It’s just not worth the decision to move up.

That also applies for promotions. Do not accept a promotion that requires you get a raise. If you want the new job then request a lower income for that job (less hours ideally). That way, you can accept the passive government income.

It can be challenging to increase food stamps but it can darn well be worth it. Work is for suckers. They don’t pay you as much as you’re worth anyway. The government will gladly keep paying your living expenses in exchange for your support. It’s not like the government had to work to get their paychecks either. They just stole it from the suckers that decided to try and work hard for a living. Just be sure to know what you’re doing so you don’t get on the government’s bad side. (They’ve been known to throw their weight around a bit.) With these tips you’ll be sucking every bit of the sweet nectar of corruption for yourself.


Note: This article is written for informational application of economics and educational purposes. It’s not legal advice. If you choose to use this information then know your own local laws.

On ethics:

Accepting government money is often a difficult decision for people. People consider it looking for a handout or even using the violence of government to make personal gain. That is a very understandable thing to question. While I personally choose to avoid government money (as much as possible) like the plague, I can’t blame someone for choosing to do what’s in their best interest. The way I see it, the person that questions whether or not it is ethical is more ethical than 90% of the people involved. Most people ignore the fact that most of (all) the government money is acquired through theft (whether following logic or the constitution.)

While it can seem somewhat dirty to accept the money, if you’re following the laws in place then you shouldn’t worry too much about it. All you’re doing is taking money from a thief. If you were stolen from in your working life, you do have the logical right to take it back. For those that question the ethics, is it wrong to try to maximize the return on your taxes? Of course it’s not. As far as I’m concerned, using the mechanisms government intends to bribe you with, and not being bribed, just drains money from people that acquired it unethically. They’ll probably just take more but that just leads to the foundation of mud collapsing. I see that as a good thing but to each their own.

6 thoughts on “How To Increase Your Food Stamps – 4 Irresponsible Ways To Leech More

  1. davidthemighty says:

    I Don’t know if this is meant to be funny.. but it is !

  2. Mahesh Sreekandath says:

    Progressive Taxation seeks retribution but when it comes to personal responsibility the rules are reversed, irresponsibility should be accounted and taxed too, its almost like the new avatar of a human does not deserve the results of the actions of the old one if they are bad but if the results are good then everyone should have a cut!

  3. iquanyin says:

    lol! you gave /no/ ways to increase food stamps. (but the article was humor, as you said.) im not libertarian nor will i be, but i am a former book editor who appreciates good writing. you write well, and your points are at times good ones (ive read a number of articles before commenting. even posted a couple.) if i comment here on occasion i suspect i may annoy you, but i prolly will do so from time to time.

    keep up the good writing. very refreshing.

  4. iquanyin says:

    ps — no, i dont use standard english these days. i do know its from it’s. but mobile typing is one of the streams in our living language, and its merger with my lazy inclinations and youthful admiration of ee cummings has made me a practitioner of what i call “mobile english.” its clarity of thought that counts, no?

  5. […] How To Increase Your Food Stamps […]

  6. Khani says:

    This was very silly, it had to be comedy on purpose.

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